also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
