Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
