Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
meet me or not, i'm out of control
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
