Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
