That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
