using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
