watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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