Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
