He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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