maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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