I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
