I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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