the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
