i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
