also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
