So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
