Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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