She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
