Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
