what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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