Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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