I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
