physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
