the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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