I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
