I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
