i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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