im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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