happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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