Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
When did angry sex become our thing?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
