We're facebook friends in real life
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
