I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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