well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
