worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
