He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
