So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
