I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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