Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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