Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
