CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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