Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
