The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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