i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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