I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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