No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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