Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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