the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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