How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
