My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
