where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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